Suggestions
for Fair Fighting
- Recognize that conflict is
inevitable in meaningful relationships. Conflict can provoke eustress or distress. We decide which…
- Fighting and loving are
not mutually exclusive. The opposite of love is not hate; it is
indifference. True lovers are fair fighters. I am capable of hating your
behaviors and loving you at the same time.
- Mental game playing is not
fair fighting. Mind reading, sarcasm, the silent treatment, and passive
aggressive moves are neither fair nor effective. Consider the long-term
effects of short-term satisfactions. If you’re in a relationship for the
long term, it’s important to consider the ramifications of your behaviors
beyond the moment.
- When making your argument,
focus upon the present issue at hand. If you failed to fight about it
three months ago, let it go. Kitchen-sinking and gunny-sacking are ugly
and destructive.
- It takes courage and
consideration to fight well. Avoid stonewalling. Courageous fighters are
not afraid to apologize. Considerate fighters are honorable, graceful, and
empathic.
- Communication is not a
panacea. More talking doesn’t necessarily make things better. Sometimes
it’s better to pray/journal/exercise your thoughts and feelings to clarify
them, to put them into perspective,
or to recognize the futility of going to the mat on this one. Consider
carefully when, where, and how to share your frustrations and irritations.
- Fight only if things will
improve. We are vulnerable in relationships: belittling, abusing, or
destroying others is both irresponsible and unethical.
- Take responsibility for
your feelings and actions. Others cannot make you angry, happy, or crazy.
Rather than, "You’re wrong," try, "I disagree." Rather than, "You hurt me,"
consider, "I’m surprised that you said that to me. I don’t think that
that’s true." Instead of,
"You're always late," try, "It bothers me when you arrive
later than what we agreed upon."
- To every thing, there is a
time. Criticism needs to be constructive. Allow your partner/colleague/
friend to save face. Fight in private and allow time to get issues out on
the table. Don’t bring other friends and family members in to mediate.
10.
Compromise, capitulation, and competition only
manage a conflict. Collaboration resolves it.
11.
Sometimes things are bigger than we are. While we
may feel foolish, embarrassed and vulnerable, professional counselors,
competent ministers, and a Higher Power can do wonders for helping us recognize
new ways of looking at seemingly unmanageable problems.
12.
When you’re wrong, apologize and mean it. When
accepting your partner’s apology, do so with grace and dignity.
Nan Peck is an associate professor of speech communication at
the Northern Virginia Community
College. She specializes
in interpersonal communication. You can e-mail her at npeck@nvcc.edu